The Hardest Year of My Life

This year has been one of the hardest years I’ve ever had.      It all started Oct 1st 2016 when my Aunt Sandy passed away suddenly. Before her the only people to pass away were my grandma’s. This was a few years before, around the same date. I loved them very much but I was not super close to them, compared to how close I was to my Aunt Sandy.

She was like my second mom. She babysat us as kids till I was seven and we moved. She was the person always in my corner and who I bonded with creatively. She gave me advice when I needed it or sometimes even when I didn’t want to hear it. We would have sleepovers, watch movies and eat special foods. She really spoiled me! There is so much I could tell you about her but then this would have to turn into a book. She was my Hero. Even now my heart breaks thinking about her. I’ve never understood loss until she passed.

I lost a part of me the day she passed and I’ve been trying to find the new me without her. I am trying to do more in life, push myself, change my life for the better.

I don’t wait to wait to do the things I have always wanted to do. Life is short. That’s when I started my Bucket List.

As if that is not hard enough a few months later in the new year my cycle stopped. Of course I didn’t tell anyone at first, I didn’t know what to make of it. So many thoughts went through my head. It was always in the back of my mind finally it was too long for something not to be wrong. I went to the doctors.

Actually my sister ended up going to the doctors at the same time and we waited (she still does not know why I’m there) they call us both in and I thought the nurse would leave us there in the room to wait for the doctor to come in. That’s when I would fill in my sister; I did not get that chance.

She asked us as we are sitting down “what are we in for today” well my sister told her what she needed (this whole time I’m thinking, man she is gunna be so shocked) well it’s now my turn.

“I have not had my cycle in five months now.” Her head whips around so fast! “I’m not pregnant” I continue to say. The nurse leaves to get the (arm thing) I tell my sister everything, I know she has some questions to say the least.

The doctor did a whole bunch of tests on me. She thinks I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). We then find out a few months later after ultrasound results came back I do not have PCOS. She now is sending me to a gynaecologist and I have to wait till Dec for my Appointment with him.

All I have ever wanted to be since I was young was be pregnant, to be a mom. I’ve always wanted a big family. It is my greatest fear to not be able to get pregnant. I know I will be a mom because I can adopt or get a surrogate but I want to be pregnant. My biggest fear is coming true. Now I have to wait till December. At least when my family doctor thought it was PCOS I knew what I was in for, now I have no clue what’s going on. Waiting is definitely getting to me.

Today is the one year anniversary of my Aunt Sandy passing. My heart’s still broken but feels like it is breaking all over again. I remember the moment I found out it’s imprinted in my mind forever. What was suppose to be one of my favourite days, because my boyfriend and I got my family tickets to Cirque du Soleil’s Luzia for Christmas. I was so excited because I love shows! I was looking forward to this day ever since we got the tickets since we didn’t go to shows often.

We were on intermission, my mom and I went to the washroom when my sisters boyfriend told us to get back. Never in my mind did I think that it would turn into the worst day of my life. I thought something happened with the show or something along those lines. We got to the steps to go into the big tent where our seats were. I see the pain and sorrow on my sister and father’s face. My heart stopped. My sister said through tears “Aunt Sandy had a heart attack she is dead!” I didn’t believe her at first, no way this was true. Tears started running down my face. Why though, I thought this in not true. I held on to my family. I looked for Ben. “Where is Ben. I need Ben” it’s sinking in a bit. My heart breaking into a thousand pieces, Ben comes up with my stuff from my seat. I remember grabbing onto him. Someone said let’s get out of here. We all walk back to the car balling our eyes out. I could not stop screaming “Why!” “Why!” I remember thinking I sound like some over dramatized movie. “Why!” I couldn’t stop, though we got to the car making, our way to be with the rest of our family at Aunt Sandy and Uncle Rick’s house.

A mix of past memories and future memories she would not be in flooded through my mind. “How could this be happening”.

We spent the best few days with my family grieving together, I still can’t believe she is gone. Sometimes I miss her with all my heart. I ended up getting a necklace with some of her ashes in it and I wear it everyday. She is always with me.

Today is going to be another hard day. This has been just two of the main reasons it has been the hardest year of my life, there were other smaller things but nothing compares to these two.

I hope no one has to go through theloss of a loved one or have their greatest fears come true. Sadly people go through them all the time. My heart goes out to you!

Grandma Love
(One of the last photos taken of my Aunt Sandy)

Love Always,
Cinthia Grace

3 thoughts on “The Hardest Year of My Life

  1. I’m so sorry for this pain. Grief can feel isolating, I’m glad you wrote about it. I hope my niece feels the special bond with me that you do with your aunt.

  2. I am so sorry to read about your loss, I have never had to go through grief so I don’t know how it feels, x
    bit of a story (Hope ya don ‘t mind) well I get irregular time of the months, never know when its the time, I have been back and forth to the GP and Gynaecologist loads as they thought I too have PCOS turns out for the second time to be tested I still do not have it, Now I am 22 I just want to find out what is causing it as both the GP & Gynaecologist have no idea what is causing this! I too want a baby it is all I want in life, I understand where you are coming from with that fact that you want to be pregnant as “adopting & surrogacy” is just not the same x

    1. Thank you so much for sharing with me! It’s helps knowing I’m not the only one and maybe for you as well. I hope he can tell me something in Dec we will see gunna be upset if he sends me for more tests and doesn’t tell me anything. Which usually happens when you see specialist. My doctor did send me to do a bunch so hopefully the same ones he would send me and save time and waiting. It’s hard because I was hoping in the next year to two years I would be trying so we will see now will still try but might have to have some help maybe I don’t know yet. I will still be blessed if I can adopt or surrogacy but ya iv always wanted to know what it felt like to have your baby inside you feel him or her moving. Time will tell I guess trying to think positive and focus on other things like blogging 🙂
      I’m loving it!
      Again thank you so much means so much to me!
      Love Always,
      Cinthia Grace

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